The turquoise down below, made my stomach churn, a candid echo of what has been tearing my insides a part. I love travelling, flying is my favorite. I hate sailing. The first time I went deep sea fishing, off the coast of San Diego, I threw up until there was nothing left in my bowels. My sadness is hollowness. It mirrors cancer, eating up the body from under the skin. I can't tell you what's worse. The hollowness, at times is a shell, holding in a thousand oceans of thoughts and doubts.
Sometimes though, it holds hundred pieces of glass, wedged in between my soul and body. That's undoubtedly the pain. Many times though, like when I first broke a bone in my body; the ankle, it brought a calming feel. I felt no pain, and kept mutedly gazing at the weird angle of my left leg. Or when my favorite dog, the only friend I had, died and I felt no remorse. I just stood there. Watched the fresh soil, where he'd gone under, lifeless. Or even when my classmates laughed at a joke, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. That's what I fear most about myself. The scariest thing really, sometimes I am somebody, one in pain and sadness, then again I am nobody, I don't seem to feel, well, do I even exist at all?
I only see the color of moss and dirt, shovelled together, that's what most say, about my eyes. But still, I have learnt to live, with the outward smile; to look at each day, on the face, and still, get to make the lives of all that I know better. I watch the world roll by, silently, trying to remain inconspicuous as possible. But then, there is life to live. And life is social, so is the world.
#I had to do a Misimu.
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