Somehow, everyone got to start
somewhere. Tuesday morning; day two of a really needful break in my life, just
going about the daily chores; quite a handful I must say, especially after two
years away from the same.
Lately I have been feeling a lot more fixated on the
low down. A couple of indoor times and just lazing around but, deep within,
there is a very heavy feeling of loss, a hollow absence of joy, peace and
environment. Every time I get up to do something, a sense of failure overwhelms
me. I try to dig deep into my soul, in search of an answer as to why this is
happening, but all I find is memories; memories that remind me of how life has
been so unfair to me. I beat myself up time and time, and then about a week
ago, I started experiencing pain on the upper part of my chest. The doctor,
looked at me and with a straight face said, I needed to make my body active, do
a little jog and take a lot of water, and most important of all, avoid
stress. Man, I was depressed.
This is a path I never thought,
I’ll walk, even at such a youthful age. I am looking at my shaky hands, miles
away, we have touched lives, built the unimaginable, yet still, we are still
here, stuck at step one. I remember the first day this wonderful life-changing
experience happened to come my way. I don’t consider myself always lucky, but
yeah, on the brighter side it just came to me. Touching the lives of young men
and guide them to grow in Christ. A very familiar phrase yet the times I have
done it, I have never had the fulfillment I first hoped for when luck bumped
into me. I always had this distant look, haunting every single step I made. The
feeling and thinking of not wanting to do something in the fear of its outcome
being negative apart from my conscience deliberately choking the steps I made.
I was and still is hesitant to join the mainstream of progress.
Here I am, questioning every move I
make, judging every decision I take and forgetting to carry myself positively
with life’s flow. It’s like a wave, crashing on reefs, relentlessly dying in
the process but not giving up;, like a lifetime curse, one after the other. I
stare blankly into space, miles away in my own thoughts; flying across the
Atlantic, visualizing a Californian Burrito or sitting in some office working, a
jolt once in a while back into reality, momentarily then drifting again into a
too familiar disposition; staring into the distance. I don’t know what all those thoughts harbors,
but one thing is clear, it’s not a safe stance to dwell in. I watch as a tiny
bird flies and lands a few feet away from where I am standing. It looked at me
for a second or two, then figuring out I was harmless, hopped to a spot with
bread-crumbs. It pecked away constantly pausing to look at me. I envied that
bird; it knew not of what it was going to feed on tomorrow but always got up to
a fresh day; positive and feeding.
Hope; hope is the one thing. Prayer is everything.
Gerry
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