21st Century

       Somehow, everyone got to start somewhere. Tuesday morning; day two of a really needful break in my life, just going about the daily chores; quite a handful I must say, especially after two years away from the same. 

       Lately I have been feeling a lot more fixated on the low down. A couple of indoor times and just lazing around but, deep within, there is a very heavy feeling of loss, a hollow absence of joy, peace and environment. Every time I get up to do something, a sense of failure overwhelms me. I try to dig deep into my soul, in search of an answer as to why this is happening, but all I find is memories; memories that remind me of how life has been so unfair to me. I beat myself up time and time, and then about a week ago, I started experiencing pain on the upper part of my chest. The doctor, looked at me and with a straight face said, I needed to make my body active, do a little jog and take a lot of water, and most important of all, avoid stress.  Man, I was depressed.  

 

      This is a path I never thought, I’ll walk, even at such a youthful age. I am looking at my shaky hands, miles away, we have touched lives, built the unimaginable, yet still, we are still here, stuck at step one. I remember the first day this wonderful life-changing experience happened to come my way. I don’t consider myself always lucky, but yeah, on the brighter side it just came to me. Touching the lives of young men and guide them to grow in Christ. A very familiar phrase yet the times I have done it, I have never had the fulfillment I first hoped for when luck bumped into me. I always had this distant look, haunting every single step I made. The feeling and thinking of not wanting to do something in the fear of its outcome being negative apart from my conscience deliberately choking the steps I made. I was and still is hesitant to join the mainstream of progress. 

      Here I am, questioning every move I make, judging every decision I take and forgetting to carry myself positively with life’s flow. It’s like a wave, crashing on reefs, relentlessly dying in the process but not giving up;, like a lifetime curse, one after the other. I stare blankly into space, miles away in my own thoughts; flying across the Atlantic, visualizing a Californian Burrito or sitting in some office working, a jolt once in a while back into reality, momentarily then drifting again into a too familiar disposition; staring into the distance.  I don’t know what all those thoughts harbors, but one thing is clear, it’s not a safe stance to dwell in. I watch as a tiny bird flies and lands a few feet away from where I am standing. It looked at me for a second or two, then figuring out I was harmless, hopped to a spot with bread-crumbs. It pecked away constantly pausing to look at me. I envied that bird; it knew not of what it was going to feed on tomorrow but always got up to a fresh day; positive and feeding. 

Hope; hope is the one thing. Prayer is everything.

Gerry